Comedically Engaged

Marriage is a lie. Weddings are a lie. The lies are lies. 

Disney lied to us, y'all.*

*D, please don't sue me! These are all jokes. haha. hehe.

(This post is dedicated to my Fiancè.)

     Nothing is all magic and rainbows. Nothing. That's why people do drugs. We got all these people out here seeking magic and rainbows... and drugs. We've gotten realistic, cynical even, about just about everything else in this world except, this topic. And it's wrong. It needs to stop. I will not stand for it.

     The wedding industry has lost its g-damn mind. It's snorted too many lines of consumerism and smoked a pipe full of narcissism laced with extravagance. (Can you lace a pipe? ...I dunno. A bride can manage to put lace on damn near anything.) It all seems to have started with the proposal 'experience'... bonanza? charade?
Catastrophe.

It's gonna be incredible. There's gonna be fireworks and streamers and choreographed dances. 

     I know, I believed it too. And I am still waiting for those choreographed dances.**
But don't cry, Babydoll, it's gonna be somewhat magical.. Maybe. If you substitute the word 'magical' with 'nice,'  you'll probably be much happier with the end result. I'm sure he or she or you or them will pick a lovely proposal location. Maybe. The poor guy.. or girl or person/sapien of whatever sexual leaning you prefer.. so much pressure.
     As if the actual proposal isn't stressful enough. As if picking a person to be with for the next 60 days/years isn't nerve-wracking enough. Now they have to create some kind of 'So You Think You Can.. Propose' Dance World Live, Your Fiancè's Got Talent™ experience. It's not realistic. It's not fair. Cut. It. Outttttt.

  

 Sidenote: If your fiance can/did pull this off then, cool. They have found their calling. Open up a proposal business, call it something cute. Just not  'So You Think You Can.. Propose' Dance World Live, Your Fiancè's Got Talent™ cuz that's trademarked, see, its got a lil' tm and everything.

     Focus, Everybody. We all need to remember what's really important... the Ring. If you have any say in the matter, and I hope you do have say in matters or else it's gonna be a long 60 day/year marriage, give your input on the ring. Ideally, go with them. I can't speak for every relationship but, I'm glad I went.
     But, www.VictoriaYepes.com that's not romantic. Listen ya lil' hooker, you know what's romantic, getting something you like and knowing your partner wasn't totally and completely robbed, just a little robbed because sparkly things are fun, I am not a total monster. I am not a total romantic either. 

     The saleswoman actually used the phrase 'a diamond is forever.' Yuck. Yeah, so is the guilt of the gallons of blood shed to mine this rock and deliver it to me.***  

     Wow, Lady, did your marketing team quit in the mid 50's, why are your catchphrases so outdated?? I hate you and all that you stand for. Had he gone alone, I have no doubt that my betrothed would have walked out of there with a gaudy, way too expensive thing that I probably wouldn't of even liked, very little dignity and a side of eternal poverty.
Poverty is forever, Lady.
     And stop trying to put that size 8 ring on my finger, you and I both know there's not a single single-digit item that fits this fine specimen. (10 months later and I'm still a lil' salty.)    

     Then, the world has the nerve to shout,"Bridezilla!" You got a lotta nerve world. I've been promised magic and sparkles and you have only brought me sadness and slavery. And now I'm the monster?! Nay. I say nay. Nay, nay, nay all day.

     Victoria, where is all this outrage coming from?! 

I'll tell ya, World.

     I recently started working at a bridal shop. Yeah that's right, I'm going undercover, baby. I've got news from the inside and it ain't pretty, people. By the time these poor brides get to us, they have been beaten and battered. They've lost all interests and pinterests. All instagrams and nonessential fams. (Guestlistin' is brutal.)
     But, I calm 'em down. I lure them in with diet sodas and tales of tiaras. Call me Sarah McLachlan, cuz they fall into the arms of this angel. I'm holding these brides to my bosom and tellin' them they'll be okay. Even though we know the truth. I can't help them once they walk out of this ivory tower of tulle and taffeta.

     It's up to you, World. And fellow Brides and Brides-to-Be. Are we gonna take this?! 

     Fear not, you can start with small acts of rebellion:
I see you Bride that has decided to wear flats on her wedding day and I salute you! And you, fierce maiden, who has decided to leave all the pomp at home and just go on a killer wedding vacay instead. And you, dear bridesmaid, our sister in the trenches, you just... keep doing what we say.

I fear I have lost track of what this post was about but (wo)man, do I feel better. :)   
   
In conclusion, Marriage is stupid. Weddings are stupid. Everyone is stupid.

   


     You guys.. and gals, think I should start a bridal blog? #crushedit #lollz.

**Stop dancin', babe.

***We got a gemstone. Less sparkle and bloodshed. Am I better than you? No. Not cuz of that ;)